Jess

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My experience of having these photos taken was both liberating and joyous. My experience of looking at the results was more confronting.

Despite the undoubted beauty of Phil’s art, having myself as the subject led me to delve into all the reasons why I felt so uncomfortable looking at my own body, and why it was therefore so important to challenge myself to show my body naked, as it is now.

After over 30 years of living with chronic illness and increasing disability, it is hard to see my body as anything other than a locus of pain and endurance. I have spent a lot of time being angry that my body has ‘failed’ me and I have long thought of it as damaged and broken.

I learned to disassociate from my body as a way of escaping the pain, fatigue and other excruciating symptoms that I have to live with every day. I dreamed of swapping my body, pressing reset, becoming invisible. Looking at my body became impossible – even looking at snapshots of myself could send me into a dark place.

Over years of immobility and medication my body became gradually bigger and bigger, and due to internalised fatphobia and shame I suffered from body dysmorphia. I have not been kind to my poor, suffering body. I don’t use kind words or kind thoughts when I describe my own body, although I would never dream of insulting another person’s body the way I insult my own.

I finally had enough of this unkindness and self-loathing, so I began the process of change, of which this photoshoot was an important ingredient.

Slowly, I have been trying to change the narrative around my own body. It’s been a long, arduous process, but I am making progress. Last year I finally came out as bisexual and also realised I have spent a lifetime with undiagnosed ADHD. Finally finding my home in the Queer and Neurodivergent Communities has been life changing.

The Queer community embraces all body types and has helped me to step away from value judgments based on appearance alone. Meeting a special woman has also helped me see myself through her generous eyes.

I love to draw, and have been drawing my own naked body, trying to appreciate it through an objective, artistic perspective. I make collage art too, and have used myself as a subject, turning my naked form into a body filled with flowers. I have bought body-positive art by beautiful, celebratory artists who adore the larger female form and have them hanging on my walls.

I got my first tattoo – swallows flying up my shoulder in the colours of the bi and rainbow Pride flags. The culmination of this experience was having this photo shoot. By letting my body be free in the outside world, I allowed it to take up the space I have long denied it.

I particularly like the photographs taken on the bench, not only because I think I look like an odalisque from a classic painting, but because as a disabled person I always look for benches wherever I go.

If I could add up all the time I have sat and waited on benches, I could gather back weeks of my life! I didn’t censor any of the photos Phil sent, but just said ‘use them all’, even the ones I found more challenging. Otherwise, what would this experience have been about?

I don’t want to show a sanitised version of myself, I don’t want to hide away in shame or self-loathing anymore. Although I am currently struggling with suspected rheumatoid arthritis and other constant chronic and autoimmune conditions, I am learning to see beyond the pain etched on my body and discover something close to beauty.

Jess’s offering

About my talisman: My rainbow, zebra walking stick.

I wanted my walking stick to be in every photograph of me as it has become an extension of my body. I used to recoil from the idea of using mobility aids and felt self-conscious in public, but then I found I couldn’t walk without one, so I bought the most flamboyant, colourful, fun stick I could find! Now I wield it with pride, because it represents both my disability and my sexuality. I enjoy carving my way through the crowds with it and it’s become my talisman, my mascot and my armour.

Join in by contacting me via my contacts page.