Sarah L

[can be better in landscape on phones]

I loved the idea of Phil’s project as soon as I encountered it.

What a positive contribution to help normalise all sorts of bodies; something that feels missing in large part in our current society.

As a child I saw older women’s bodies. We would go swimming in a group and one of the mums would come with us.

There was only a communal changing space so I saw them naked as they changed.

When trying on clothes in shops there were sometimes a couple of small curtained areas but the majority of the changing space was one area where everyone got changed together so I saw all sorts of women partially clothed. 


This meant I understood how bodies could show up differently and how they could change as they aged.

When my daughter was a teen I realised that many young people now would grow up only ever seeing other naked bodies in porn and this seems wrong to me. How is someone to see themselves as acceptable, to find their place, if they have no idea of the variety of configurations people come in?

I have also always been comfortable naked. Sometimes that is simply to shrug off the restrictions clothing can bring, mostly it just feels right.

I am deeply troubled to find nudity so often demonised or sexualised. I grew up in the 1970s when Hair performers were naked on stage and nipples were seen through many a t-shirt.

It seems to me that only associating uncovered bodies with sex is a dangerous thing.

I have so enjoyed my body. I have always loved dancing, took up yoga at 30, have walked so, so far, and have had fantastic sex. For all of this I love my body.


I have no issue with looking older, with wrinkles, with scars (some of mine are keloid and so keep growing), with sun damage, with softening, with visible veins, with greying hair. These things are to be expected.

So much, so positive about my participation: I loved the concept. Phil is fantastic and his heart is so clearly in the right place, I’m comfortable being naked so …… so why have I found taking part so challenging?

I have had two periods in my life where my body has felt not like mine.

The first was when I had CFS/ME for over a decade when my offspring were children and my body felt like I was dragging it through life. I (mostly) recovered from this and started to be able to enjoy living in the fit, lean, strong, healthy body that felt right to me.

The second is current. For the last few years my right hip has been getting more and more sore and the pain and restriction has worsened over the last year.


I am told there is a little sign of arthritis but not enough for the restriction I experience. This has left me much less active than I am used to being and my body shows this, as does my face.

I had been putting off my participation, waiting for when my rehab had reached a level I could again enjoy being in my body and yet I also was aware that day may possibly not come so said yes when Phil got in touch again.

As the shoot day grew closer, I realised there was something much more insidious going on. I could hear, louder than ever, the voices from my childhood judging people, judging themselves, judging me for having a body not under control, not looking the way they considered acceptable. I realised I had only wanted to be seen if I looked a certain way.

Now, looking at the pics he has sent me, I see the pain, I see the inactivity, I see what I don’t want to see.

This experience has been cathartic, but in an unexpected way. I want those voices out of my head, I no longer want to give them space.

Yes, I want my strong, lean body back but not because I think I should be ashamed of how it is now, but because it is such a fun place to live in.

Sarah’s Offering

My offering is some writing from October 2023.

Bodymind

What if the pains and aches in my body are the literal embodiment of the pains in my soul?

The chronic pain in my hip resulting from years of contracting that side of my body, shrinking it smaller, holding it tight. Against what? Why have I not let it be loose and lithe like the other side? Why restrict myself day by day, hour by hour, until I cannot move as I want and the sharp pains cripple me? Why shrink, why hold, why tighten?

I come from a family that passes judgement, has an opinion on how each should and should not behave. They would discuss freely the problem with another’s way of doing things. This left me knowing that I would also be judged and found wanting. However, I was, and still am, as I head into middle age, told in no uncertain terms what I had done badly. To my face. With certainty and often not much kindness.

Whilst I am one who would, as a rule, welcome the opportunity to improve, and understands that I cannot change that which is invisible to me, this laying bare of my character flaws on such a long term basis has left me struggling to see my self worth.

I cannot but think that these two are inextricably linked. Our hips are the seat of our security, our balance. A strong core supports us as we move through life. A weakened one leaves us unable to move with balance, grace and ease.

And so I hobble, pained and restricted and wonder how I go about changing so deep seated a view. I would dearly like to find a way to loosen the cords I have bound myself in while I still have the ability and can find the strength to stand evenly on both legs, stable in my power, loving and accepting of myself as I am and as I am not, and dance again with joy. 

19/10/23

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