Sue

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Before doing this shoot an old niggly internal voice had been whispering to me, criticising my body. And I was not going to let it take hold as it had done in my teenage years. So, I knew I had to do this. I was scared and so excited too, I sensed the power in being part of this. And I also know for me it’s important to do those things that scare me, it’s become a bit like a compass. It’s those things I’m scared of that contain the growth and fun and expansion.

It’s only as I get older that I have grown into my body. When I was a teenager I wanted to fit a certain shape that wasn’t mine and split me. I felt see through – that someone could see my insides – things, trauma that I didn’t want anyone to see or know.

I found many ways to work through that. And I discovered my body from the inside out away from that external gaze. The joy of dance and movement, gestures, expression and just going for a run. My body became my home for me, my embodied vessel to take me through life. When I danced or practised yoga, I just was.  Judgements faded and I was in flow. I could express myself. Feel tension, contract, or release muscles, feel energy or lack of sense how my ligaments, fascia, bones, and joints worked.

I started burlesque to further explore my body, my sensuality and sexuality.  My body had a lot to say. And it was also a, fuck you to those external voices that said I should be a certain way or wasn’t acceptable as I am or tried to possess or take ownership of my body. It might sound strange but it’s empowering to be on stage in semi nakedness fully accepting myself as I am, wobbly bits and all. I love to dance and wiggle, and shimmy as do my fellow burlesque babes. We are strong, individual, each with our own stories. Cheering each other on unafraid to be really seen. And having so much fun whilst we do it.

Before doing the shoot I felt I was trying to cultivate my internal fire.  Many times, my fire went out and I got it going again. It represents energy, spirit, cleansing, rebirth and pain and grief and blood and pain and many, many tears. Standing in the fire meant taking a good honest look at myself looking at those parts of myself that I am afraid to and dislike and my relationships, historical wounds, current hurt and it was bloody and fucking painful that at times.

I didn’t feel I would survive or that there would be anything left. Burning away on the inside and changing and letting go of old parts of me that I no longer needed.

I am growing, expanding, cultivating new shoots and hope, and becoming whole again. I also found another layer of shame and over time I learnt that the best way to deal with shame is to take the lid off it and expose that fucker for what it is, and gradually it has retreated.

Sometimes I think we need to stand in our fire to heal. I am slowly rising from the flames and accepting and feeling and making choices that honour me, honouring myself and letting go.  Taking care of myself. Starting over.  And the work isn’t done, it’s a constant, a lifetime’s work.

I feel how our bodies are containers for feelings and emotions and sensations and there is a joy in discovery and choice with how we work with that information. What we become aware of and express and externalise and share in relationships. I see how our bodies are socialised and later politicised and I’m interested in how we meet that, how we choose what is acceptable and unacceptable.

There is a freedom and joy in nakedness – no clothes to mask or create an image. And the vulnerability. How in those naked moments we relate to the world around us. We just are.

With love, strength, peace, and fire – Sue xx

These 4 offerings are the practice I am working on.

1. Stand with feet hip width apart, knees soft. Place your left hand on your heart. And take a moment to feel the sensations in your body. Invite your body to move with the rhythm of your heartbeat. Feel any sensations or lack of sensation in your heart. The broken pieces that may have healed or not, the light that has healed those broken pieces together.  Feel how our legs meet your hip bones, the availability of movement and energy in your legs, your ankles, and feet.  Your feet on the ground, the miles you have walked, the ground they have covered.  Shift your weight forward and back and begin to move with your heartbeat.

2. Go to the nudist beach. If you dare take your clothes off. Feel air and breeze on your body, warmth from the sun or coolness in the air.

3. Dance naked.

4. Share a hug with those you love. Really take that person in.

Finally, a note to Phil. Thank you for the challenge, it has been an extraordinary challenge and process to get to this point. And so powerful and fun for me to participate in. Your vision and light, belief, openness to my ideas and translating it into something tangible, your ideas, and support all the way through, and love has made this possible. You are a true friend.

Join in by contacting me via my contacts page.