Amma

Amma, wonderful human, is no longer with us. She died in January this year, 2023. In 2021 we took photos together for my Human Nests project and then for this project, and later for the Nipple Stars project. Although we spoke about it many times, Amma only sent me sections of text to use with this project and we’d been talking about finalising it not long before she died.

Amma had been part of my Nests project and she was also intrigued by my Skin Capture Exposure project. She’d expressly asked me to take photos of her lines and wrinkles and of the hairs on her upper lip. And, as I did with my project, she saw the process as being therapeutic. She said “A therapeutic one I’d like to do is particularly the smile/wrinkly lines around my eyes. They look especially good at the moment when the lines are whiter than the rest of my face.”

She’d told herself, and me, that she had wanted to be more confident with her body, face up to it, whatever it looked like and love it. But, she liked it less than she’d expected when she saw the photos initially. I was not surprised by that, I had been sad, when I saw many of the photos of my body. We tend only to see ourselves in the mirror from the front, side and back views are rare.

It was months later, looking again, having built up in her mind about them looking bad, that she was surprised to see them again, and actually, obviously, they were beautiful – strong – conveying the fun we’d had taking them. “It was actually quite nice to see them again I’d forgotten about what we’d done really, I’ve accepted it as me over time.” [a negative experience with someone else that she didn’t share with me] “Was a total contrast to how I had felt in the making of those photos, which had been very fun and empowering.”

We spoke a lot about gender linked with my own expression of gender and with theirs – “Gender and identity are themes I am passionate about”. Amma was keen to reverse the roles and to take photos of me and always had clear views about which of the photos of her she wanted used, or left out. In particular, she’s talked about using me as the subject of a photo project based around the nasty nursery tale of Puppy Dogs Tails.

But, events and all sorts of things like Covid got in the way and we never quite got around to it. It’s taken me a while to feel that the I’m ready to present the images – I know she’d wanted me to do so, but knowing how strong her views were and how much she would have wanted to input into the process, I really hope that I am doing justice to her – and as I cannot ever know, I can only post these images and words with love. Miss you Amma – beautiful human.

Tuesday 13 June 2021 – Brighton

“I’m not talking about erotic photos, unless you want to. But I don’t think that’s where its at. I’m happier with intimate photos, I trust you as you have lots of integrity”.

Eyes and lips

Amma wanted me to show the hair on her “moustache” she was surprised that it didn’t really show.

“The reason I’d like to do that is because I’ve fallen in love with people for their wrinkles before.”

Twists and turns

“But also because my boss humiliated me about them in front of the whole staff team when we started using Zoom … and my face was apparently too close to the camera and she said that I needed to move back because they had too good a view of my “crows feet”. I was quite cross but quickly quipped in by making a joke that I had worked for years getting those and they are my best feature 😊”

Backs

“Actually I like them and I am completely different in that respect to most cis female people I know as £££s are spent on creams and treatments.”

About the photos “Just looked at them – they are pretty much all good. Just a couple I’m not keen on, mainly because of the angle or because I look sad.”

“I want to write about my feelings about it for the photos we took. As a lot of it is to do with judgements about desirability or youth or whatever. But also because for me when I was very young woman I was extremely ill and lost half my body weight so weak I couldn’t do much etc so it’s also associations.”

Fronts

“And one could ask what about that is associated with negative. Well mainly I didn’t have help. But also the visual imagery of it. A family friend had said I looked like a Belson woman. Again judgements.”

Twisting

Amma wanted to use poses from yoga, twists and stretches that would clearly show her muscles, skin, tendons and bones.

“I also lost weight again and didn’t mean to at all still eating the same so it’s interesting and does give me a feeling of vulnerability for sure on several levels.”

“People’s judgements or internal models about what looks healthy or not is another thing about body positivity isn’t it. You can be scrawny and healthy you can be big and healthy or otherwise. Also the desirability of healthy in itself is very ableist and exclusion of those who are suffering from conditions or have other bodies such as those who are disabled.”

Close Ups

“These [some specific shots not included] I don’t think add anything to what we were trying to say, we have other booby sag photos that are better. I’m okay with face.”

Feet and Hands

Endings

I also edited some of the photos – most of these appeared on Instagram (nipples obscured).

“Intimacy is tender and the body is a sensitive creature which notes what gaze is with love and what is not.”

“Yes making sure our own gaze is at least neutral and on the better days softened with gentleness is very much an improvement on casting oneself aside as NOT this or NOT that – Gender included.”